I feel like I am a lemon drop being sucked on and getting smaller and smaller.
I spend lots more time dozing or just eyes-closed resting than I did a few months ago. (But maybe that’s the effect of trying out morphine every 4 hours for pain?) I have less and less energy for physical projects–i get worn out and have to rest or stop.
I am spending more time in bed during the day and less downstairs, where I have to admit it’s much harder to get comfortable. Only when my picky body is comfortable and I’ve been resting for half an hour or more can I stop trying to ease what hurts and feel like “a normal person.” Whatever that means.
I have less mental energy or stamina. I can feel my mind getting tired. It is hard to engage in conversations on complicated topics. For a month or two I have been confused about day of the week, day of the month, and even what month it is and which one comes next.
What I’m trying to explore here is what makes for that lemon-drop feeling of there being less and less of Me, the Unique Ellen, in contact with the world. I wonder if I will just melt away gradually.